Mordern Dating Girl

Today, I got rejected by a lad. This isn't something new, and more than likely won't be the last it happens. Fine, whatever. But the reason why it hurt so much is for a number of reasons. I've been missing my ex loads (to the point he's appeared in my dreams more than once!) so I've been craving that initmancy I had with him. Anther reaosn is because I've been feeling guilty/shame over how I behaved in that relationship, I wanted to see if I've changed (Yes and no to this!). I've also been feeling like I've becoming harden with men in general; my favourite mantra at the moment is 'all men lie, cheat and waste my time'. But I'm not willing to take any accountability that I allow them to lie to me more than once, and not be honest about what I want and allow them to come into my life to waste my time again and again.

But after I got rejected and voiced my upset, hurt and angry opinions, I went hunting. I went to find MORE rejection. That's right, folks- more rejections. The thing is about me when I'm hurt, I usually start to spiral and want to hit rock bottom. In the past, this is starting fights left right and centre  and saying truly awful things as an coping (?) mechanicism. This time I went on the hunt for men I knew who would reject me, and did they deliver today folks! I managed to get blocked by 2 out of 4 men from me messaging today. I was able to pust their buttons as there was no more mrs nice guy from me. I was rude to them as they have been to me (and continue to do so!). I then looked my ex (the one i'm still hung up on!) on saw how horribly happy is he and how his new girlfriend has met his kids and they're spending time together as one big fucking family. Arghhhhh!!!!!! 

In my last post, I posted that I was going on a self esteem quest. Well, while I was doing that, I got distracted by....you guessed it? MEN!! And I allowed them to walk all over my life, like I was nothing but a sex toy!!

But once I've cooled down, I realised maybe what I'm doing is a good thing. Maybe I truly couldn't move on until I took away my safety blankets- emotionally unavaliable/dickhead cunt faced men in my life. You know the ones? The ones you messaaged when your'e bored and lonely and horny? The one who only give you one word answers but still can make a conversation??

But once I've cooled down, I realised maybe what I'm doing is a good thing. 

 “When you get bit by a snake, you have to suck out all the poison, that's what I had to do, suck all the poison out of my life.” — Cady Heron, Mean Girls.

I've been putting in the work about my co-dependency, attachment styles, and relationship views but maybe I was so close to the finish line of having a healthy attachment, I decided to slow down a little. Toxic and shitty relationships are all I've ever know. I thought relationships were like a disney film or a rom com movie? A bit of push and pull? 

Well, they're not. WHO FUCKING KNEW!!!!!!

But I do think by saying goodbye to all these time wasters, it'll allow me to start fresh and collect new ones. No, i'm just kidding! But I do think by removing my current time wasters, it'll stop me relaying on external validation and build up confidendence again, and heal. I so desperately need to heal. If my heart was broken visible parts, I would be covered in head to toe bandages. That's not good is it?

So, I'm going to focus on me without the safety net. 

I'm going to face my fears, re-learn my values, get rid of any self limiting beliefs I have due to past relationships, and just fall in love with me.

xoxo

 The other night after I posted my first post in how long, I went on a hunt. Or you could call it a quest, a discovery. You can call it what you want really, but I decided to look into what I want my self-journey to look like. But I'll be honest- I didn't know where to start. 

What is Self Value? What's my value? What's self-love? What do I enjoy? How to get self-worth? How do I increase self-worth?  Is there a checklist I can cross over to know I'm doing it right?

The whole self-love journey was too broad for me. But that's what makes it my self-love journey, and nobody else's; I can work on the things I want to improve on...

But I didn't fully know what I wanted to improve on? So if I didn't know, how could I go and improve? Oh boy, I was bigger in trouble than I thought. I had only scraped the top of the iceberg of who I was as a person.

I had managed my emotions/my thoughts for so long with therapy but I think this man detox has come at the right time because I had the realisation that I was just cruising in life, just cruisin'?! I'm sorry but what the fuck?!

I am an average person, with an average job with an average life. 

Am I just average? Fuck no. So why am I behaving like I am? But how can I improve?! WHAT'S MY CHECKLIST?!

So I decided to ask the question on Reddit. I went onto Reddit and posted on a sub-forum about posted about my triggers and my reactions. One kind user (thank god she was kind, that place can be CRUEL!) replied and said "Try to understand the thing driving your superego state. What exactly do you fear or desire when that triggers?"

Ok, cool. I've got a starting point, I can work with that. I also know there's a book called Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Dr. Nathanial Branden. I quickly did a google search but the six pillars didn't really help as my self-esteem is ok but it's not consistent. At work, I have the personality I desire in my personal life but with the personality, I have now in my personal life, I'm not consistent with it. For example, some friends I can set boundaries easily with- others, I cannot. Lads, I'm a wreck and have a preoccupied/anxious attachment style but with friends, I have a secure one.

So based on the advice of the kind Reddit user, I wrote what my fears are when I'm triggered and this is what they are:

• Fear of Judgement- "wanting to be liked by everyone, especially men because of how I feel myself."
• Fear of Abandonment- "seeking validation" 
• Fear of Rejection- "Fear of shame from past experiences, fear of oneself.

 

 So. Remember how I said I was going to write more on this blog about dating?

Well, I didn't do that, did I? I went on dates and did the whole texting thing while trying to understand how bloody dating works in the 21st century.  And I'm still as clueless as before I started. But while I have overcome my fear of first dates (which I seem to smash btw!), I realise that I'm not OK within myself. I'm seeking validation from men, from sex, and letting other people (unintentionally) control my emotions and putting way too high of expectations on men. Whoopsie...

 

Well, well it's nice to see you all! I didn't stick around for very long last time, did I?! I was going to continue writing about my dating shit show but then, I'll be honest, I got lazy! And I didn't want to do it because I found it too hard to think/analyse something that I couldn't understand. I was in an emotional game and I didn't know the rules, so how I could I talk about it?

But I'm back with a new attitude, new outlook, and a new self-esteem. I was going to delete the post in February because it brings all those emotions that I felt at the time, but also what I'm feeling now because the lad I wrote about; we're no longer in contact. I guess that leads me nicely into an update?

The Bouncer
I'm going to name him 'The Bouncer' so it's easier to keep taps of who is who! We carried on 'seeing' each other until August when I called it off for the millionth time. That's when he admitted that I was too paranoid to be in a relationship with him. The truth was finally said. The bullshit excuses of "I don't want a relationship. I'm not even thinking of being in a relationship until next year (2022).." were just that; all bullshit excuses. So, I retaliated back and then there was silence...

Well, cut to two weeks later, and he told me he was seeing someone. Cut to 5 weeks, he told me he was in a relationship.

Oh and let me tell you that HURT massively. I thought I knew what heartbroken was but that was something else.  Luckily I had amazing friends to get me through, checked up on me to make sure I was going no contact and repeated the same conversations over and over again.  Don't get us wrong; it still hurts but it doesn't hurt as much-time does heal. So he will be mentioned from time to time because I think it will help me heal from him, and learn from this too. But yeah, that's all I'm going to say for now. Boys suck! 

The Couple

Well, you know how they say 'the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else' well, I did...but two people...at the same time! Yes, you read that right! I had a threesome with this adorable, funny couple! And it may have happened again 2 weeks ago too. It was my first time sleeping with a girl and it was fun. We all get on well and vibe with each other to the point where we've got a whatsapp group! Am I in a throuple? No fucking clue!

But let me tell you, it's a massive fucking ego boost to have two people fancying you at the same time! And is it weird? Only when I think about it too much. Luckily, I'm not overthinking this because overthinking GETS you nowhere and half the time, you're thinking about something that will never happen OR SOMETHING YOU CANNOT CONTROL!!

 In my 30 years on this planet, I haven't celebrated Valentine's day with a partner because I've always been single or I've had crushes on guys but they've never pulled through to me and been like "Here, have some flowers, I like you" And the thing is I wanted to feel normal, for once. 

I've been seeing/sleeping with the same guy for the past 4 months. We've had some serious arguments over the past few weeks because we have different expectations of what we want from each other. Except,  we power through and we work through it. I don't know why we do, because we're always going to be mates, but anything more? I have no idea why we work through it. 

At the moment, we won't be a couple; he doesn't want a relationship because he's just broken up with his ex-partner 6 months ago. They were together for nearly 10 years and have 2 children together. And here's me; no relationship experience, no kids, nothing. I've been going to therapy for the past 2 years to get over my fear of relationships and abandonment issues, along with other personality issues I wanted to work through.

Except I still fall for men who aren't available and I stay. I hope for the best, I hope that they'll come through and it will change. 

He wished me a Happy Valentine's Day but no flowers, no chocolates, no card- nothing, and I feel like it's confirmed that I am nothing. I am not worthy of attention or being spoilt. I'm not going to say "Oh it's just a day to get you to spend money" I DO NOT CARE!! It's nice to know that here in the UK, France, Australia, Canada, and a few other places all choose the one day to celebrate a day about LOVE. 

What's wrong with that?!

I've mentioned to him that I wanted him to be my first to celebrate it, even if it's with cheap flowers and I haven't heard anything back. Nothing. Obviously, I'll give him time but I need to fucking MOVE THE FUCK ON!

My friend has messaged me wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day and he's asked if I'm being cutesy with someone. I've kinda gone on a little rant and he asked "isn't this the same guy that you went crazy on last week?"

Well, yeah, but he hurt me. I felt like he lied to me and just made me feel like an idiot for vulnerable and for liking him. 

Anyway, just a quick post, I'm going to go cry into the chicken I'm cooking, the bottle of wine I bought myself, and the chocolates my mum got me lol

Well, my first post. Welcome, hello. I hope you enjoy my little corner of the internet. I best do some sort of introduction to me and what this blog is about. 

I'm not going to give you my name, not even a clue to my first name. I want this blog to be completely anonymous for two reasons; one) so I can be COMPLETELY honest with myself, and with you, the reader. I don't want to worry about those who know me personally finding out...I know the internet is a HUGE space but ya know? And if I have no identity, I can be honest without thinking I shouldn't be thinking that because I'm so and so.  And two) I don't want my gender/name to be the main focus because I'm hoping you can relate to it whether you're white, a person of colour, male, female, straight, gay etc. 

However, to give you a little idea of who I am, and that I'm legal to talk about sex etc, I'm a 30-year-old heterosexual female.

That's all I want you to know at the moment. 

I've been a passionate writer for all my life; writing journals, short stories, blog posts, Mcfly fanfic- don't laugh. I've always got a pen and paper, or keyboard, nearby to write down whatever thoughts are flying about in my anxious brain.

However, it hasn't been enough and I think starting a blog will help me even more so I can type it all out and it feels like someone is listening and someone is understand in my darkest times.

So welcome to my part of the internet, and I hope you enjoy it; there's going to be some highs and some lows. But I hope you enjoy it. 

                                                            From, 

                                                The girl on the internet.