Mordern Dating Girl

 

Well, well it's nice to see you all! I didn't stick around for very long last time, did I?! I was going to continue writing about my dating shit show but then, I'll be honest, I got lazy! And I didn't want to do it because I found it too hard to think/analyse something that I couldn't understand. I was in an emotional game and I didn't know the rules, so how I could I talk about it?

But I'm back with a new attitude, new outlook, and a new self-esteem. I was going to delete the post in February because it brings all those emotions that I felt at the time, but also what I'm feeling now because the lad I wrote about; we're no longer in contact. I guess that leads me nicely into an update?

The Bouncer
I'm going to name him 'The Bouncer' so it's easier to keep taps of who is who! We carried on 'seeing' each other until August when I called it off for the millionth time. That's when he admitted that I was too paranoid to be in a relationship with him. The truth was finally said. The bullshit excuses of "I don't want a relationship. I'm not even thinking of being in a relationship until next year (2022).." were just that; all bullshit excuses. So, I retaliated back and then there was silence...

Well, cut to two weeks later, and he told me he was seeing someone. Cut to 5 weeks, he told me he was in a relationship.

Oh and let me tell you that HURT massively. I thought I knew what heartbroken was but that was something else.  Luckily I had amazing friends to get me through, checked up on me to make sure I was going no contact and repeated the same conversations over and over again.  Don't get us wrong; it still hurts but it doesn't hurt as much-time does heal. So he will be mentioned from time to time because I think it will help me heal from him, and learn from this too. But yeah, that's all I'm going to say for now. Boys suck! 

The Couple

Well, you know how they say 'the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else' well, I did...but two people...at the same time! Yes, you read that right! I had a threesome with this adorable, funny couple! And it may have happened again 2 weeks ago too. It was my first time sleeping with a girl and it was fun. We all get on well and vibe with each other to the point where we've got a whatsapp group! Am I in a throuple? No fucking clue!

But let me tell you, it's a massive fucking ego boost to have two people fancying you at the same time! And is it weird? Only when I think about it too much. Luckily, I'm not overthinking this because overthinking GETS you nowhere and half the time, you're thinking about something that will never happen OR SOMETHING YOU CANNOT CONTROL!!

 In my 30 years on this planet, I haven't celebrated Valentine's day with a partner because I've always been single or I've had crushes on guys but they've never pulled through to me and been like "Here, have some flowers, I like you" And the thing is I wanted to feel normal, for once. 

I've been seeing/sleeping with the same guy for the past 4 months. We've had some serious arguments over the past few weeks because we have different expectations of what we want from each other. Except,  we power through and we work through it. I don't know why we do, because we're always going to be mates, but anything more? I have no idea why we work through it. 

At the moment, we won't be a couple; he doesn't want a relationship because he's just broken up with his ex-partner 6 months ago. They were together for nearly 10 years and have 2 children together. And here's me; no relationship experience, no kids, nothing. I've been going to therapy for the past 2 years to get over my fear of relationships and abandonment issues, along with other personality issues I wanted to work through.

Except I still fall for men who aren't available and I stay. I hope for the best, I hope that they'll come through and it will change. 

He wished me a Happy Valentine's Day but no flowers, no chocolates, no card- nothing, and I feel like it's confirmed that I am nothing. I am not worthy of attention or being spoilt. I'm not going to say "Oh it's just a day to get you to spend money" I DO NOT CARE!! It's nice to know that here in the UK, France, Australia, Canada, and a few other places all choose the one day to celebrate a day about LOVE. 

What's wrong with that?!

I've mentioned to him that I wanted him to be my first to celebrate it, even if it's with cheap flowers and I haven't heard anything back. Nothing. Obviously, I'll give him time but I need to fucking MOVE THE FUCK ON!

My friend has messaged me wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day and he's asked if I'm being cutesy with someone. I've kinda gone on a little rant and he asked "isn't this the same guy that you went crazy on last week?"

Well, yeah, but he hurt me. I felt like he lied to me and just made me feel like an idiot for vulnerable and for liking him. 

Anyway, just a quick post, I'm going to go cry into the chicken I'm cooking, the bottle of wine I bought myself, and the chocolates my mum got me lol

Well, my first post. Welcome, hello. I hope you enjoy my little corner of the internet. I best do some sort of introduction to me and what this blog is about. 

I'm not going to give you my name, not even a clue to my first name. I want this blog to be completely anonymous for two reasons; one) so I can be COMPLETELY honest with myself, and with you, the reader. I don't want to worry about those who know me personally finding out...I know the internet is a HUGE space but ya know? And if I have no identity, I can be honest without thinking I shouldn't be thinking that because I'm so and so.  And two) I don't want my gender/name to be the main focus because I'm hoping you can relate to it whether you're white, a person of colour, male, female, straight, gay etc. 

However, to give you a little idea of who I am, and that I'm legal to talk about sex etc, I'm a 30-year-old heterosexual female.

That's all I want you to know at the moment. 

I've been a passionate writer for all my life; writing journals, short stories, blog posts, Mcfly fanfic- don't laugh. I've always got a pen and paper, or keyboard, nearby to write down whatever thoughts are flying about in my anxious brain.

However, it hasn't been enough and I think starting a blog will help me even more so I can type it all out and it feels like someone is listening and someone is understand in my darkest times.

So welcome to my part of the internet, and I hope you enjoy it; there's going to be some highs and some lows. But I hope you enjoy it. 

                                                            From, 

                                                The girl on the internet.