The other night after I posted my first post in how long, I went on a hunt. Or you could call it a quest, a discovery. You can call it what you want really, but I decided to look into what I want my self-journey to look like. But I'll be honest- I didn't know where to start. 

What is Self Value? What's my value? What's self-love? What do I enjoy? How to get self-worth? How do I increase self-worth?  Is there a checklist I can cross over to know I'm doing it right?

The whole self-love journey was too broad for me. But that's what makes it my self-love journey, and nobody else's; I can work on the things I want to improve on...

But I didn't fully know what I wanted to improve on? So if I didn't know, how could I go and improve? Oh boy, I was bigger in trouble than I thought. I had only scraped the top of the iceberg of who I was as a person.

I had managed my emotions/my thoughts for so long with therapy but I think this man detox has come at the right time because I had the realisation that I was just cruising in life, just cruisin'?! I'm sorry but what the fuck?!

I am an average person, with an average job with an average life. 

Am I just average? Fuck no. So why am I behaving like I am? But how can I improve?! WHAT'S MY CHECKLIST?!

So I decided to ask the question on Reddit. I went onto Reddit and posted on a sub-forum about posted about my triggers and my reactions. One kind user (thank god she was kind, that place can be CRUEL!) replied and said "Try to understand the thing driving your superego state. What exactly do you fear or desire when that triggers?"

Ok, cool. I've got a starting point, I can work with that. I also know there's a book called Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Dr. Nathanial Branden. I quickly did a google search but the six pillars didn't really help as my self-esteem is ok but it's not consistent. At work, I have the personality I desire in my personal life but with the personality, I have now in my personal life, I'm not consistent with it. For example, some friends I can set boundaries easily with- others, I cannot. Lads, I'm a wreck and have a preoccupied/anxious attachment style but with friends, I have a secure one.

So based on the advice of the kind Reddit user, I wrote what my fears are when I'm triggered and this is what they are:

• Fear of Judgement- "wanting to be liked by everyone, especially men because of how I feel myself."
• Fear of Abandonment- "seeking validation" 
• Fear of Rejection- "Fear of shame from past experiences, fear of oneself.