Today, I got rejected by a lad. This isn't something new, and more than likely won't be the last it happens. Fine, whatever. But the reason why it hurt so much is for a number of reasons. I've been missing my ex loads (to the point he's appeared in my dreams more than once!) so I've been craving that initmancy I had with him. Anther reaosn is because I've been feeling guilty/shame over how I behaved in that relationship, I wanted to see if I've changed (Yes and no to this!). I've also been feeling like I've becoming harden with men in general; my favourite mantra at the moment is 'all men lie, cheat and waste my time'. But I'm not willing to take any accountability that I allow them to lie to me more than once, and not be honest about what I want and allow them to come into my life to waste my time again and again.

But after I got rejected and voiced my upset, hurt and angry opinions, I went hunting. I went to find MORE rejection. That's right, folks- more rejections. The thing is about me when I'm hurt, I usually start to spiral and want to hit rock bottom. In the past, this is starting fights left right and centre  and saying truly awful things as an coping (?) mechanicism. This time I went on the hunt for men I knew who would reject me, and did they deliver today folks! I managed to get blocked by 2 out of 4 men from me messaging today. I was able to pust their buttons as there was no more mrs nice guy from me. I was rude to them as they have been to me (and continue to do so!). I then looked my ex (the one i'm still hung up on!) on saw how horribly happy is he and how his new girlfriend has met his kids and they're spending time together as one big fucking family. Arghhhhh!!!!!! 

In my last post, I posted that I was going on a self esteem quest. Well, while I was doing that, I got distracted by....you guessed it? MEN!! And I allowed them to walk all over my life, like I was nothing but a sex toy!!

But once I've cooled down, I realised maybe what I'm doing is a good thing. Maybe I truly couldn't move on until I took away my safety blankets- emotionally unavaliable/dickhead cunt faced men in my life. You know the ones? The ones you messaaged when your'e bored and lonely and horny? The one who only give you one word answers but still can make a conversation??

But once I've cooled down, I realised maybe what I'm doing is a good thing. 

 “When you get bit by a snake, you have to suck out all the poison, that's what I had to do, suck all the poison out of my life.” — Cady Heron, Mean Girls.

I've been putting in the work about my co-dependency, attachment styles, and relationship views but maybe I was so close to the finish line of having a healthy attachment, I decided to slow down a little. Toxic and shitty relationships are all I've ever know. I thought relationships were like a disney film or a rom com movie? A bit of push and pull? 

Well, they're not. WHO FUCKING KNEW!!!!!!

But I do think by saying goodbye to all these time wasters, it'll allow me to start fresh and collect new ones. No, i'm just kidding! But I do think by removing my current time wasters, it'll stop me relaying on external validation and build up confidendence again, and heal. I so desperately need to heal. If my heart was broken visible parts, I would be covered in head to toe bandages. That's not good is it?

So, I'm going to focus on me without the safety net. 

I'm going to face my fears, re-learn my values, get rid of any self limiting beliefs I have due to past relationships, and just fall in love with me.